Sperm smuggling in the shadow of menopause

Via Advocatus Diaboli, the barren wombs of unmarried careerist chicks approaching infertility are crying out for conceptive release. Their cries are so loud and painful that their owners are resorting to the black market to fill them with the stuff of life. Alas, those who have turned their middle finger to the god of biomechanics suffer his silent wrath as surely as buzzards pick the flesh from corpses:

The couple’s liaison lasted little more than five minutes and was conducted, in swift and furtive fashion, in a city car park late one Friday night. When their business, hurried and impersonal, was concluded, they shook hands awkwardly, wished each other a stilted “good evening” and left in separate cars, with no suggestion that they might ever meet again. If all runs smoothly, however, in nine months’ time, their baby – the result of that car park encounter – will be born.

When Taquisha from the ghetto wants a fuck-trophy without the hassle of a man, she hooks up with Tashawn the thug from three blocks down. When Clarissa the respectable middle-class high-achiever wants a kid, she has a guy she met on the Internet whack off into a spoon.

Their swift transaction was not, as one might assume, of a sexual nature. Instead, Peter Smith simply handed over a specimen flask containing his sperm to Clarissa, a 42-year-old IT consultant he had met on the internet. The insemination process, he says, was a matter for her alone. He had honoured his part of the pact: the future was solely Clarissa’s concern.

Yeah right. Here’s how their conversation probably went:

Midway through the masturbation, Peter’s erection was deflating. He kept cranking even as his penis was retreating to the flaccid safety of his waxed crotch.

“What’s taking you so bloody long?” Clarissa asked.

“I’m losing…show me your tits,” Peter replied.

“I’m not showing you my boobs!” Clarissa ejaculated, readying her palm for a slap across the face.

Wheezing, Peter said, “If you want to have this kid, you need me to cum. Show. Me. Your. Tits.”

Clarissa relented, unbuttoning her shirt and unclasping her bra. As her wrinkled breasts fell to Earth, Peter’s peter began its slow salute. With renewed resolve, he cranked on.

“Ugh…oh…oh…UNGGHHHHHHHH!”

And it was done. The milky white stuff, collected in the test tube, glistened in the streetlight.

If her pregnancy runs to term, she will be overjoyed and her dreams of motherhood fulfilled. Divorced and unable to conceive with her long-term partner, Clarissa’s yearning to bear a child of her own was borne of an all-too-understandable desperation.

The exception that proves the rule. The best time to use your God-given equipment is when it’s brand new, not when the expiration date is past and the damn thing has rust spots.

Like so many women who long to have children, she initially contacted a reputable and licensed fertility clinic where she underwent two cycles of treatment. But with each costing £1,500 and involving a lengthy wait (in some areas of the UK, as long as eight years), thanks to a nationwide shortage of donated sperm, she became one of the thousands of women who have resorted to unregulated fertility websites.

Last I was aware, sperm donors got paid for their service. I wonder if those stories of sperm donors getting sued for child support have scared off prospects? Congratulations, ladies, for killing the dick that squirted the golden spooge.

But while these women’s desires are commonplace, the consequences can be anything but. Yesterday, the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) admitted it is launching an investigation into what it considers the abundance of “unethical” fertility websites. The body has become concerned that they could put the health of vulnerable women at risk, leave a generation of children facing future heartache, and have long-reaching legal implications for both mother and donor.

I would think the mere fact of being conceived with a turkey baster would cause enough heartache for a kid.

Its decision comes in the wake of the trial of Nigel Woodforth and Ricky Gage, who netted £250,000 for illegally acting as “bagmen” via an online fertility operation they ran from a basement. Convicted at Southwark Crown Court last week, they are awaiting sentencing – the first to be found guilty of procuring sperm without a licence from the HFEA, contravening legislation that came into effect two years ago. The legislation, which entitled children born as the result of licensed sperm donation to track down their natural fathers, has discouraged men from donating sperm, fearing they will become financially responsible for the resulting offspring.

And see? I was right! The avarice of single old ladies HAS scared off potential sperm donors. You could have had your screwed up Down syndrome kid all to yourself, ladies, but you had to be greedy. You had to keep pressing for more. You are part of a league of morons, the morons I’ve been fighting my whole life. My whole fucking life. But guess what…today, I win.

With one in seven British couples facing fertility problems, the clinics have hitherto been their best hope to have a child. But as supplies dwindle, unregulated websites have flourished.

Increasingly, those such as Co-ParentMatch.com and FeelingBroody.com are seen by women anxious to conceive as quicker and cheaper alternatives to the regulated route. Such is their popularity that one site alone receives more than two million hits each month. The thousands of members of such sites pay monthly subscription fees – although the donor isn’t paid as such, the sites may recommend a “courier fee” of as high as £150 – and most women agree to pay incidental costs such as hotels or travel.

Damn, sounds like these guys got a good scam going.

The women who use the site are, in the main, professionals – many in high-powered jobs – who want to be mothers but do not want the baggage that goes with a long-term relationship. Their reasons are many and varied.

Read: “I want to pass on my genes, but decades of clawing my way to the top of the socioeconomic ladder have turned me into a bitter old cunt that no man wants to deal with.”

Pam, single and 41, wrote in her profile: “Becoming aware of biological clock ticking away and, being single, felt I need to be quite proactive about seeing what other options were available.”

Would that you were “proactive” before your uterus started to rot.

Another, Pkare, single and 32, writes: “I want a child but haven’t found a man worthy enough to take the status of ‘father’, so it is down to me to take things into my own hands.”

Even when she’s lost everything, when she’s down for the count and everyone is laughing at her, a woman never deigns to lower her standards. The rationalization hamster doesn’t die until she does.

From an ethical point of view, the fact that many actively do not want the donor to have any contact with the child throws up concerns. Dr Phil Canner, who writes for the Bulletin of Medical Ethics, says there could be far-reaching consequences. “We could see a whole raft of children growing up without a father figure. Yes, that happens naturally in life. But this is a conscious decision, and one wonders about the morality of that. When these children are old enough to ask about their father, explaining how the mother became pregnant could be an emotional minefield. Frankly, from a child’s point of view, these sites are ethically unsupportable.”

Wait, wait, wait…someone is actually arguing that children NEED fathers to grow up into healthy, well-adjusted fathers? That the male isn’t just a human dildo? Omigod, how reactionary!

One major concern over the sites is that, unlike in regulated clinics, such sites guarantee none of the health safeguards against sexually transmitted infections or HIV. There is no formal process to ensure that sperm donations are “clean”, leaving the women to rely solely upon the donor’s word, or medical certificates he produces. And all too often the men involved are seeking what the websites describe as “natural insemination” – shorthand for no-strings, unprotected sex.

It is the potential health risks that most concerns the HFEA. As a spokesman points out: “If you use a site that does not direct you to a licensed clinic, you put yourself at risk that the sample you receive is neither safe nor screened. Or that the donor is not who they claim to be.”

If you’re stupid enough to put a foreign substance you obtained off the street in your vagina, and if you’re ignorant enough to think men wouldn’t take advantage of this to try to rawdog you, you deserve all the misery that’s headed your way.

According to Dr Allan Pacey, from the University of Sheffield, the fact that most donors become involved for purely financial reasons means they have little incentive to ensure they have a clean bill of health.

“A licensed clinic will run tests before taking samples, and again six months after the last sample was taken and frozen,” he explains. “And it is only after this final check that the sperm is used. These sites cut out that process, which means the women are at risk from blood-borne and sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV. [Donated sperm] may also carry genetic disorders such as Down’s syndrome.”

Um, I thought Down syndrome was caused by advanced maternal age, meaning that the broads who use these services are at risk whether their donor is clean or not. Who gave this dumbass a medical degree?

The risks, he says, are even greater if the donor has a predatory intent. “If a man wants to impregnate women, insisting on natural insemination, that ups the likelihood that he will be in poor sexual health. It is blatant profiteering at the expense of women who are driven by a very natural and biological maternal urge.”

Professor Ian Craft, one of the country’s leading fertility experts, is equally concerned. “No one, but no one, should use sperm they have acquired from internet sites,” he says. “It is fresh, not frozen, and thus often unscreened. Frozen sperm is screened intensively over six months. HIV antibodies may not show up before that period, which is why it is so important.”

Wait, what? Impregnation fetishism? And these fetishists tend to have bad sperm? I’ve never heard of guys who got off on the conception of children. Creampies, yes. Pregnancy fetishism? Yes. (I believe YouPorn has categories for both.) The union of ovum and sperm? Not exactly. Again, who gave this idiot a degree?

For women and donors who use licensed fertility clinics, the law, too, is quite clear: the donor is not the legal father and has no rights or financial responsibility for any resulting children. With unregulated websites, however, both parties sleepwalk into a legal quagmire.

As Louisa Ghevaert, a partner with the specialist fertility law firm Gamble and Ghevaert, points out: “Peoples’ desire to have a child is incredibly strong and shouldn’t be underestimated. Women who run the gauntlet and conceive informally with a donor without understanding the legal issues risk misery not just for themselves but for the child, in the future.

Such as…? Seriously, WHAT legal risks do women undertake here? Throw me a frickin bone here.

And there are risks for the donor, too. He may be treated as the legal father, with all the accompanying financial responsibilities. The mother risks unwanted involvement from the donor if he seeks to assert his status.

Somehow I doubt this will be a problem, you misandrist slag.

“The child, in later life, may not be able to trace his or her biological father. Donor-conception law is very complicated and people can easily fall foul of legal pitfalls if they do not appreciate the difference between conceiving at licensed clinics and conceiving with privately donated sperm. The consequences for the unwitting can be devastating.”

You’d be able to solve this problem by making it sensible to form families again…but you won’t. This toilet can’t be unflushed.

On most sites, women can outline how much, if any, contact they want with a donor, and many draw up what they believe are binding contracts. But in law, the documents are worthless. Recently, Andy Bathie, a fireman from Woking, who fathered a child through an informal arrangement with a lesbian couple, was contacted by the Child Support Agency seeking maintenance. The child’s “parents” had separated and Mr Bathie was left with a bill for £425 a month.

And they shake their heads and wonder why, just WHY men won’t willingly put their cocks in a grain thresher.

According to Jenny Kearns, who founded Co-ParentMatch.com – which allows members to send messages to each other or post a blog seeking suitable donors – there was a gap in the market which she has filled. “My [female] partner and I were approaching our thirties and discussed having a baby,” she says. “All there appeared to be were various forums with random people posting messages.

It was already out there but very ad hoc.” Some men, she admitted, contacted the site seeing it solely as a way to have sex. “If men go on and say they will only offer natural insemination, I would stay clear of that and most do.”

If you believe that, I’ve got a prairie in Southampton to sell you.

For many women, the sites have brought little but heartache. Clarissa – who had a profile on a sperm donor website and agreed to speak to the Sunday Telegraph on condition of anonymity – has, to date, contacted five donors but has not conceived with any of them.

“I ignore the men who insist on natural insemination and those who want a relationship with the child,” she says. “I like to keep the whole thing business-like, frankly. I ask a lot of questions about their health but, admittedly, I have no way of checking if they are telling the truth. Then we make an arrangement to meet for the hand-over. It’s as simple as that.

“But it hasn’t worked, and I’ve had terrible trouble with two of them who keep pestering me online. Frankly, I’m glad I didn’t conceive because they are clearly the type who thought this whole thing would lead to some sort of sexual relationship. All I wanted was a child of my own. Now I feel I’ve been used in a rather grubby sort of way.”

It may not be nice, but you’re paying the price of ignoring the sell-by date on your genetic hardware. Hope you’ve picked out a favorite cat food brand.

Others, such as Susan, a 44-year-old from Oxfordshire, have had more positive experiences. With one son already, Susan desperately wanted another, but did not want a new, long-term partner.

“I wasn’t in a relationship, and didn’t want to get into one,” she explains. “I went on the site and got lots of responses. In fact, I was flooded with them. I started to chat to my donor, and that went on for six months before I decided to go ahead and start the process. I was very specific in what I was looking for, even though there would be no contact between the donor and child. I wanted a well-educated person with personality, intelligence, and a similar background to myself – university educated. He also had similar features to mine.”

Such entitlement. You think you deserve the seed of a man of class, when you yourself have nothing to offer. Your ‘tarded progeny will serve as a shoe shiner in the coming Mormon-Muslim-Latino Catholic idiocracy.

Susan and her donor developed a routine that worked for them. “As I didn’t want to come face-to-face with him, I prepared a room in my house for him. Then I would disappear into another part of the house and he would let himself in and go into the room. He would leave the sperm and, once he’d gone, I would inseminate myself. I was very relaxed about it. It wasn’t at all an uncomfortable experience. Rather, I would say the experience was tremendously positive. To this day we still haven’t met, although we do talk on the phone still. I regard him as a good friend.

Loser.

“I worked with him and tried to become pregnant with his sperm for about a year, but the closest I ever got was a six-week pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage. I had given myself a time period, deciding that if I wasn’t pregnant within a year, I would stop. So I decided to call it a day. My only regret was that I didn’t decide to do it earlier.”

And that fetus went Haaaaaw Haaaaaw!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it until it seeps in or my liver gives way to cirrhosis – choices have consequences. A woman’s reproductive organs are designed to function best when she’s young, hot and tight, not when she’s old, ugly and loose. You want to spend your salad years trying to make partner at Sokolove & Steinberg? Well, you’re going to have to forget about kids, at least kids that aren’t autistic and socially stunted. You can’t hit the pause button on Mother Nature, and you won’t get any sympathy from anyone for trying. These gals are like fatasses who demand the right to eat ice cream all day and not gain weight, and they deserve neither our sympathy nor our aid.