Yesterday afternoon was my office’s Christmas party, held at a nondescript chain restaurant in the suburbs. You wish you were me. Anyway, after four chicken wings, three mozzarella sticks, and a pint-and-a-half of Yuengling had worked their way through my system, I burst into the bathroom for the mother of all excretions. I squeezed my way into the sole stall and prepared to assume my place on the porcelain throne when I saw urine stains on the seat. Dozens of them. Distraught, I was forced to go to the gas station across the street in order to relieve myself.
There is a loathsome plague that has spread across the continent. Everywhere I go, from Schenectady to Seattle, Newark to New Orleans, Montreal to Manhattan, lazy men are pissing all over public toilet seats, making them unsuitable for shitting. As recently as five years ago, you could enter most public restrooms and plant yourself on the nearest bowl confident that the seat at least LOOKED clean enough to eat off of. Now, such an action is akin to jogging into a minefield – a minefield of dried urine stains.
Why have the men of this great land become so careless as to spray the contents of their bladder over perfectly good porcelain seats? Has the womens’ eternal whine of “don’t leave the seat up” become so ingrained that the guys refuse to put the seat up when they NEED to, in a MEN’S ONLY bathroom? If so, our civilization truly is lost to us! Get thee to a foreign country, preferably one where the menfolk know to lift up the seat when they only need to go number one!
If you are a man reading this and you ever need to whip it out and let it fly, put the fucking seat up before you commence the golden showers. Be considerate. And if you find out if any guy, even your friend, has been drizzling urine all over a toilet seat, tell him off for being an lazy dickhead. If every man who splashed his piss on a restroom seat was publicly embarrassed for it, the epidemic would end overnight, and those of us with sensitive stomachs could relieve our pain without fear of sitting in a stranger’s liquid waste product. Isn’t that a world you’d want to live in? Isn’t that a world you’d want your CHILDREN to live in?
The ball’s in your court, my comrades. The choice is yours.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
http://declineofgenius.com/2009/10/26/rules-the-mens-room/
Whenever I visit a public toilet I never sit on the seat. I have good muscle tone and control, after years of working out. I can get to within a couple of inches of the seat without sitting down.
My Mom taught me never to sit on a public toilet seat.
Time to start toning up them muscles FB :)
I attribute it to the increasing wussification of our society. Just as women have long squatted hovering over the seat of a public toilet, and then used that kung-fu kick to flush, men are now afraid to touch a toilet seat for any reason too, despite the fact that soap and water are just a few feet away.
Soap and water a few feet away?? In a public toilet???
Whatcha talkin’ about Hermes?
Never used the Kung Fu Kick myself.
Curious to know how you are privy to such intimate information though, Herm!
I agree with your overall sentiment. Society falsely thinks that women and feminists want more smart and civilized men which causes many men to rebel by being doofuses, slobs, slackers and thugs – but the truth is that this is matriarchy’s intended outcome – so that women can look like the smart/good/moral/civilized ones, have all the jobs, stay out of crime, etc – while men do the opposite and are forced to the edges of society. The reality is that women deeply fear clean, civilized and smart men – because these are the ones most likely to oppose them – not the stereotypical macho men – whose egos are easily manipulated by women.
Ever looked in a woman’s public bathroom? They are generally DIRTIER than the men’s.
This is just a sign that men are becoming more feminized.
I blame the damned Americans With Disabilities Act.
Ever since the ADA came into force, they have to put one huge stall in the bathroom for the benefit of the few cripples who ever use it, and this denies space for other seats and urinals. If there were enough urinals, people wouldn’t have to piss in the stall, and you could take a dump in a civilized manner.
This is even true in places where the overall size of the bathroom is gigantic, e.g. Barnes & Noble. In my local store, the bathroom is immense, but there is one huge stall and three urinals in a cavern of space that could easily hold five stalls and five urinals.
I agree with Hermes. The germopphobes have won and now refuse to touch the commode seat even to lift it up. They also refuse to use the urinal to avoid splash-back.
Another solution to this is to bring your own Clorox wipes and, for the very needy, paper ass gaskets. General courtesy is dying because it looks like weakness. Even employees do not want to clean bathrooms. (someone has to).
I would second Professor Hale’s Clorox wipes suggestion. We use these wipes to wipe down our daughter’s little potty travel seat after each use when we’re in the land of gross public restrooms.
“The germopphobes have won and now refuse to touch the commode seat even to lift it up.”
Do they not have feet? Or just very bad balance?
First, I’m having a really tough time blaming this one feminists. lol
Second, Steve Martin and Buck Henry were clearly ahead of their time – but it’s time to put this idea into action.
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/79/79arise.phtml
I figure there can’t be too many germs there: urine is pretty clean when it first exits the body. I just wipe it off and go to work. Squeamishness can be overcome. Challenge your immune system.
Paper ass gaskets. I love it!!
Actually those are required in public restrooms both here in Nevada and in California (and possibly other states as well). They are useful, but a major pain to put in place.
Again, another instance of societal pussification.
I figure there can’t be too many germs there: urine is pretty clean when it first exits the body.
Yeah but there are a zillion E. Coli all over the seat (and the rest of the bathroom) from the thousands of shit-splashes.
But hey, that’s what washing your hands is for…
My humble contribution to an underserved area of knowledge.
How to Use Escorts- I
http://dissention.wordpress.com/2009/12/25/how-to-use-escorts-01/
Come on guys. This has nothing to do with feminization of the West. You sound utterly paranoid saying this.
It’s simply about laziness caused by a lack of sympathy for others.
I do love a heartfelt, passionate tirade about something relatively trivial.
I’ve almost penned 2,000 word screeds about people’s pets…so I feel your pain.
Your unbroken skin and healthy immune system are excellent protection against any germs likely to be on the toilet seat. Far more dangerous are the vapor spray from the flushing toilet, the faucet handle, the door knob, and the fact that you probably don’t wash your hands properly, i.e., vigorously with plenty of soup including under the nails for 30 seconds.
Despite the filth that lurks everywhere, we are all still here.
It seems like the last few years, the sticky puddles around urinals have gotten worse. I attribute it to men coming of age who never had a father or other male figure to show them the proper way to finish up urinating so they don’t drizzle everywhere.
Unless one is autistic or libertarian, behavior doesn’t take place in a vaccum, but within a larger cultural context. Go back 50 years, even to poor neighborhoods, and you’ll find a much greater level of civility than is common now. Matriarchy is a decivilizing force – go to any ghetto where it has fully taken hold and you are witnessing the future of the West. Matriarchy wants a society where the only masculinities are those which are useful to women – ie associated with either overly submissive (clueless, wimpy, self-hating) or overly dominant (stupid, filthy, thuggish) behaviors.
“Ever since the ADA came into force, they have to put one huge stall in the bathroom for the benefit of the few cripples who ever use it, and this denies space for other seats and urinals. If there were enough urinals, people wouldn’t have to piss in the stall, and you could take a dump in a civilized manner.”
I’m the only able-bodied man to take dumps exclusively in the luxury suite!?
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