Some of you are probably wondering what the hell substance I’ve been abusing to come up with a title like that. Niceness and kindness are synonyms, or so that’s what the thesaurus says. Well, that’s the thing – if niceness and kindness were identical concepts, we wouldn’t need two separate words to describe the same thing. Niceness is not a quality you should strive to cultivate – kindness, however, is.
There was once a cartoon which depicted the differences in how people from New York City and Los Angeles treated others. The cartoon showed two identical images of  a man greeting another person on the street. What separated them was what the man in each scenario was saying and thinking. In the New York cartoon, the man was yelling “Screw you!” while thinking “Have a nice day!” The Los Angeles cartoon showed the man yelling “Have a nice day!” while thinking “Screw you!”
Niceness is the manifestation of the latter mentality. People who define themselves by how nice they are are usually cowards. To them, the highest moral good is not hurting anyone’s feelings, and they will go to any length to avoid doing so even if it results in actual, material harm to those around them. While some nice people are genuinely concerned with others, just as many of them are often bitter individuals who border on being Type 1 misanthropes. The primary difference between nice people and outright misanthropes is that the former cover their meanness with a thin paint of cordiality. True kindness, in contrast, involves prioritizing moral good over emotional concerns. Kindness does not preclude cordiality in social interactions, but reserves it for when it is appropriate. A truly kind person will not hesitate to speak his or her mind when it comes to matters of importance, even if they risk temporarily offending those they care about.
The phenomenon of the “nice guy” in the modern West is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. I’ve linked to this post by 11minutes in the past, and I’m doing so again:
Nice guys are liars.
Take the following example:
- Great job!
- Thanks, but ohhh nooo – it wasn’t that great. You are so much better!This happens quite frequently. “Nice” people assume that (false) modesty/humbleness requires them to downplay their own achievements. They believe this makes the other person feel better and it prevents the perception of them bragging about themselves.
Think again! The first person says that this was a great job. The second person disagrees. The second person essentially questions the first person’s judgment – or worse assumes that the first person is a liar – only trying to please the person who did a great job.
There is no need to be that argumentative. There is also no need to say it wasn’t that good is both sides are likely to agree that it was great. This is a genuine asshole move. Done by somebody who believes it was the “nice” thing to do.
Nice guys do that all the time.
The feminist naysayers are wrong – nice guys are, in fact, nice. The problem is that they aren’t kind. For all their cordiality, they are devoid of integrity and thus repulsive to women.
For a more concrete example of the difference between niceness and kindness, here’s the scenario I posted a month ago from the TV show House:
One example of this is in an episode from last season that I re-watched recently, “Joy to the World.†One of the subplots of this episode involves Wilson betting House that he can’t be nice to a patient. House subsequently diagnoses a clinic patient complaining of headaches as pregnant, despite her claims of her and her fiancé being virgins. House orders a paternity test, the results of which show that the woman’s baby was the result of parthenogenesis, a spontaneous genetic mutation that resulted in one of her eggs being fertilized without the need for sperm. After receiving a gift from the couple following this news (and winning the bet), House reveals that he faked the paternity test, the real results of which showed that the woman had in fact cheated on her soon-to-be husband. House concocted the bogus parthenogenesis story in order to save the couple’s relationship – a “nice†goal.
Faking a paternity test to protect a relationship is a nice act. It is not a kind act, because it results in actual harm to the man in the relationship while protecting the woman’s moral transgression.
For another example from the same show, here’s a link to the recent House episode “The Tyrant” on Hulu. The relevant part is from 33:53 – 36:10. In the scene, House breaks into a man’s house, drugs and ties him up, then uses a mirror box to relieve pain in his amputated right arm. Healing a man of the thing that had made his miserable all his life is assuredly a kind act, but the actions of trespassing on his property and tying him up are not nice – and yet, without taking those steps, the kind act could not be performed. This is a case in which being nice would prevent one from being kind.
This brings me to a subject addressed here and on other blogs in the Roissysphere and Steveosphere: the phenomenon of Stuff White People Like. As a class, SWPLs have been the driving force behind the replacement of genuine kindness with niceness in modern society. SWPLs are generally nice, polite people, and while some of them are genuinely kind, for most it is a mask to hide the ugliness of their souls from from the public eye. Welmer spoke about this attitude at length in his essay “Thawing Seattle’s Social Freeze“:
One of the alleged paradoxes of the Seattle social scene is that Seattlites are said to be “polite,†despite being notoriously flaky and difficult to befriend. This is actually a contradiction in terms: there is nothing polite about blowing people off or withholding hospitality. In fact, this behavior is downright rude and cruel. Is it polite to smile in someone’s face as you shove them out the door? No, that just adds insult to injury, but sadly it is all too common in Seattle.
Roissy made a similar observation when he visited Toronto, the SWPL capital of the world:
My overall impression of the locals: Everyone is exceedingly polite and unfriendly. Sounds paradoxical, but it’s true. They say “excuse me†and “sorry†a lot, and will always answer any question you have, but they never smile or strike up conversations with anyone.
I’ve visited many SWPL meccas including Seattle, Toronto, Ithaca, and others, and the impression I get from each is exactly the same. SWPLs are weak people who are filled with loathing and hatred towards their fellow men. They despise outsiders but can’t muster up the courage to say “fuck you” to their faces. If you are a person of strong moral fiber, SWPLness is pure poison for the soul. We may mock them for their pretentiousness and their ignorance, but their subversion of morality is what truly makes them repugnant.
I don’t oppose cordiality or politeness. However, being a kind individual means knowing when to be cordial and when to be brusque. There are times when a slap upside the head, physically or verbally, is the compassionate thing to do. Politeness for the sake of politeness is the unacknowledged vice of our age, and it needs to end. Don’t be nice – be kind.
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False niceness is necessary for just getting by in the work place today. I chalk it up mainly to the presence of and behavior of so many women in the work place.
I’m just glad that I have a cubicle in a somewhat isolated area which allows me to keep from dealing with a lot of office women on a regular basis.
I’ll also add that for more traditional men who want to enable their wife/partner to be a stay at home mother or something like that, that not paying lip service to this common vice is often not an option. It’s small consolation that you were “filled with integrity” by not being fake nice sometimes when you have to explain to your wife why she has to go back to work or can’t stop working because you lost your job.
Niceness is not goodness. We you’re nice to people you’re always agreeable. When you’re good to people, sometimes you’re not.
a.) so very frickin true and can be said about some of the southern states in the US as well…EXTREME politeness while positioning the knife in your back.
b.) what substances ARE you abusing and do you get a good price? ;)
This is nothing new, either. One of the founding fathers (can’t remember which one right now…too early) complained of excessive tact–in other words, niceness–getting in the way of truth-telling and authentic interaction.
Good post and a great observation. Integrity and strength are what bettys and dudes are looking for in another dude, not fakie niceness.
In that this is a very deep area of concern for my White brothers, I am thankful to see it being discussed and fleshed out in such a manner.
I have to say that this isn’t anywhere as big an issue for Black Men; on the whole Black people tend to put stuff “on blast” a lot moreso than Whites, especially middle class Whites. We don’t like to mince words, and tend to be eager to state the obvious. Middle class Blacks try to ape the ways of their White counterparts, w/varying degrees of success. Often, they go harder on lower class Blacks than Whites do, because they “embarrass” them before the world. Some of the angst during the Bill Cosby “Poundcake Speech” controversey had to do with this dynamic.
Anyway, I see how Feminism and the blurring of gender norms and the like can really wreak havoc on so many White guys, and hence the rise of “Assholism” as an appropriate response. Shows like South Park and House stand as cultural signposts rejecting Political Correctness, largely by White guys. I can dig it.
And, I also think that the Death of the Working Class, where a Man could truly be a Man-and where I spent the bulk of my adult life-has a great deal to do with things as well. As someone noted above, it is basically impossible to work in White Collar America and do what comes naturally in Blue Collar America, where jokes involving bodily functions and sexual references are commonplace, and Women are few and far between. Although I’ve worked in many capacities, the bluer the job, the fewer Women around. And I loved it. In the White Collar world, such talk can and in all likelihood, will get you fired.
So, short of voting with your feet and working elsewhere, I don’t think there’s a heck of a lot that can be done about that, because the Ladies have that culture on lock. *shrugs*
As for myself, like I said before, I see myself as aself-made gentleman, and would much rather negotiate with others than go to blows. That said, there have been times when my kindness has been mistaken for weakness, and I’ve been left with no other coice but to go Brutal on a Motherfucka. And I can be Brutal. Very. Of course, people recoil in horror and shock when this happens.
Being nice may be a contrivance, but the alternative is a kind of Lord Of The Flies way of life that quite frankly I have no desire to be a part of, having been steeped in it for the better part of my life.
I’m just sayin.
The Obsidian
One of your best posts – excellent. Reminds me of Allan Bloom’s description of his students, in the Closing of the American Mind.
This reminded of an article over at “Alpha Status” about the way nice guys are “weak assholes”. This in turn reminds of the way some seem to think the term ‘Omega male’ means a guy is a ‘counter-Alpha’. At first I thought that it was a load of crap and it is if they mean an Omega Male is superior to an Alpha male. However it does make sense if an Omega Male thinks he entitled to the same trappings an Alpha Male does.
Beta males are on the other hand, are mostly honest and kind. They understand they can take two roads: settle down and marry a kind Beta woman, have kids and live happily ever after or if they want to run with the Alpha males and snag Alpha women then they are going to have to succeed in learning ‘game’. In other words, Betas are kind in the sense they either aim sensibly or work hard to succeed but don’t usually feel entitled to something just because they are breathing.
After all, how many Omega males and females think they’re entitled to Alphas and try to justify because they simply desire it? How many to try justify it by the “I’ll never treat you like that!” excuse? Take “Beauty and the Geek” why should Alpha women have to cater to Omega men? When will there be a “Handsome and the Geekette” spinoff? Will Omega males actually ‘get it’ when they see ugly women dating Alpha males and the men saying something “she’s reallly nice and good to be with and is lovely on the inside”?
i’m heading out to visit seattle next month. i’ll keep an eye out for this phenomenon
Ferdinand:
great post. i wrote a couple about a similar subject a while back. the first talks about how americans are flaky; the second incorporates some Nietzsche to delineate between “nice” and “kind”.
http://chuckross.blogspot.com/2009/09/americans-are-flaky.html
http://chuckross.blogspot.com/2009/05/nietzsches-weaklings.html
“Verily, I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good because they had no claws.”
I live in Toronto and I work in a public sphere. JESUS. It has made me cultivate an intense hatred for people in general, but I’m also expected to do the cold politeness PC thing all the time. Pretty much I want to run everyone over all the time while saying “Sorry” if somebody bumps into me on the street.
I work in customer service for roadside service, so I’m expected to be super polite with my members regardless of their absurdity. In fact, a number of the supervisors have commended me for my ability to hold my temper with some of the angriest members. Despite this, I don’t mind being polite, and I’d be afraid to live in a world where people are less polite and more willing to express their contempt for others.
And yes, I say “sorry” and “excuse me” a lot, but it seems like the right thing to do, especially lest I upset or insult somebody.
Gil:
“Take “Beauty and the Geek†why should Alpha women have to cater to Omega men?”
I always thought geeks were beta, not omega. True omegas are asocial dorks along the Napoleon Dynamite line. But yeah, that show is awful.
“When will there be a “Handsome and the Geekette†spinoff?”
Wasn’t there a reality show with a bachelor competing for the attentions of obese women or something?
Marquis:
“i’m heading out to visit seattle next month. i’ll keep an eye out for this phenomenon”
I don’t envy you at all, man. Seattle is one of the most unbearable cities on Earth.
David Alexander:
“Despite this, I don’t mind being polite, and I’d be afraid to live in a world where people are less polite and more willing to express their contempt for others.”
Being a self-styled “sub-human male,” I wouldn’t expect any less from you.
Yea being “nice” and not telling the wife your cheating on her and really being a pussy because your too scared to let her know your gonna cheat and let her make the descision on whether or not she will allow that in her life before you cheat. Not an accident. You know when you want to cheat. You should have the balls as a man to be kind to the woman you love and let her know so that she has a choice in it one way or the other before you get with another woman instead of being a sneaky shit and doing it behind her back but being nice about it. In the end not being kind to yourself either because you know your gonna feel like a balless piece of crap for having to sneak around. So yea when your honest and kind ya don’t have to cheat or ruin souls with quite the same damage.
Plus I found out my dad is nice but not kind. Definetly a distinction poignant shit you wrote there. Really good stuff. A ton of guys thinking they are so nice and wondering whats wrong and why they got fucked up. It is because you are a pussy that you where being nice. Not out of kindness because you could personnally make the scenerio go either way.
Nice from a place of weakness not kindness chosen from a place of strength.
Example:
Walking away from a fight or stopping beating the shit out of someone because you don’t want to hurt them kindness.
Walking away from fight because you say fighting is wrong and are pissing your pants niceness.
Volunteering to go fight for your country even though you think your country is all kinds of fucked up. Kindness.
Enrolling in college and staying forever so you don’t get drafted a nice guy. pussy.
Holy shit really that is what all this talking comes down to really. The fake guys nice. It is all clear.
Being a self-styled “sub-human male,†I wouldn’t expect any less from you.
I’ve generally felt that the politeness is a sign of a proper, well civilized culture that suppresses it’s meanness for the sake of creating a safe environment for everybody. Politeness is what separates us from the savages, and it’s a great way to avoid being threatening to whites (and women)…
Sofia, on October 21st, 2009 at 5:19 pm Said:
I live in Toronto and I work in a public sphere. JESUS. It has made me cultivate an intense hatred for people in general, but I’m also expected to do the cold politeness PC thing all the time. Pretty much I want to run everyone over all the time while saying “Sorry†if somebody bumps into me on the street.
Not all Canadians are nice and polite.
Where are you going Sofia?
I actually found your post searching for different descriptions of the differences between niceness and kindness in mind, so know that I basically follow what you have said. My sense is, however, that truly kind people who intentionally live kindness will also most often be nice as well. I don’t think “nice” itself is a vice, but niceness which is not backed by genuine kindness is. Nice is the package, kindness is the contents. I believe kindness can most often be delivered in a nice package, except on the seldom occasions when something rougher may be required. A smile is not a vice, a smile that conceals a knife behind someone’s back certainly is.
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