Filed under Culture, Television
Guidopocalypse
I finally got around to watching the first episode of Jersey Shore last night, and it did not disappoint. For those who are smart enough to not pay attention to American pop culture, Jersey Shore is an MTV reality show about eight soi-disant guidos and guidettes living in a New Jersey shorehouse for the summer and behaving in all sorts of humiliating and irritating ways. Aside from the guido angle, it’s pure reality show boilerplate. Thoughts:
I didn’t end up hating the guidos as much I thought I would. Oh sure, they’re braggadocious idiots who behave like immature clowns, but that’s par for the course in feminist America. In fact, I ended up sort of liking these dudes by the end of the show. I knew guys like that in college – they weren’t too swift or sharp, but they were fun to be around, and you could throw down some beers with them and come away fast friends. That, and in a nation where half the dudes are slobs, at least SOME guys are trying to look good, even if they come across as vainglorious.
The women on the other hand – my God in heaven. I have never seen such a group of selfish, boorish, loathsome creatures with surplus X chromosomes. You couldn’t even use the term “ladies” to describe them sarcastically – they’re just too rude, classless, slutty, and disgusting. And while they’re all within the range of bangability (the hottest being Angelina, “the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island,” whatever the hell that means), they’ve all wrecked their looks with boob jobs, fake nails, and bad tans. (I think I just sold David Alexander on the show with that sentence.) The most repulsive of them is “Snooki,” a literal attention whore with an overdone suntan who spends most of the episode crying in her bed and decides to up and leave at the end because nobody wants to talk to her. Was she the one who got decked by that big guy? Based on the first show, I’d say she deserved it and a whole lot more.
Most amusingly cognitively dissonant line of the show? Sammi “Sweetheart” declaring at the beginning, “I’m the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet, but do not fuck with me.”
Another reason to hate the girls: they’re incredible cockblockers. The second half of the show revolves around three of the guys bringing in a group of girls from the street to hang out and possibly hook up with. The guidettes get all catty about it and scare the other girls off, deriding them as “skanks” and “whores” (oh the SWEET IRONY). None of the guidettes were in relationships or hooking up with any of the guidos, so where the fuck do they get the nerve to ruin their fun? One of them was even complaining that one of the guys was 29 and “making out with three 20-year olds in a hot tub”. Lesson reaffirmed: sluts know nothing about male sexuality.
One particularly illuminating part of the episode comes when the guidos are hanging out in the jacuzzi with the girls they brought in. One of the guys, Mike, had been nursing a crush on Sammi (who is reciprocating), and when he sees her watching him partying with the 20-year olds, he jumps out and tries to smooth things over with her. She tells him, in a blatantly unhappy tone, to “go do your thing” and then walks off. Lesson: when it comes to girls, commit yourself to action and don’t back down. Pussing out midway just makes things worse.
If you think the meaning of being an adult is being able to “do whatever [you] want,” you probably aren’t an adult.
Best new line I’m reappropriating: “Your head is so far up her ass you can see out her fucking mouth!”
Verdict: I’m definitely going to keep watching. And if I ever get my hands on any nuclear weapons, the Jersey Shore will be my first target for radioactive cleansing. If you read this blog and you live in or around the Garden State, I’ll be sure to give you advance warning before I push the big red button.
I find the depravity of “reality” style television practically intolerable, so I haven’t watched this program, but in defense of the Jersey shore, I spent every summer of my life there until I was a teenager and my grandparents sold their beach house. There are plenty of worse places that deserve to be nuked before New Jersey. I’d start with Cambridge, Massachusetts, and continue with Las Vegas, Nevada, but perhaps you should start compiling a running list of nukeworthy locations, both domestic and worldwide.
Hey Ferdi,
Good looking out on the pingback! And funny article as well, and as per usual for your writing skills. Can’t say I’ve seen the show, or that I will ever see it, as I’m in the same boat as Genius, and find the whole exercise to be one of craven, crass depravity for its own sake.
Carry on!
The Obsidian
Check this, evo psych game-related finding:
Study: Females become sexual showoffs in cooperative breeding species
http://www.news.cornell.edu/stories/Dec09/FemaleSexShowoff.html
I tried watching 5 minutes last night. I couldn’t figure out why one guy called himself “The Situation” and got fed up and turned it off.
Sickening really. These people are more insufferable than the regular MTV reality attention whores, and that’s saying something.
I’d recommend shortening it to “Guidocalypse” (merge it on the unifying letter). I’d avoid the show, but I don’t get cable.
You’re the first person I’ve seen to use the word “vainglory” since Thomas Hobbes.
I think it’s telling that, in a culture where men act more like women they steal attention away from the women. In doing so, they force the women to act MORE attention seeking and histrionic, proving just how devoid of character those girls really are.
“Asking is begging . . . “
Thanks for promising that advance warning on the nuke strike.
Several years ago I had a share in a shore house — not quite the hair gel heaven of this reality show, since we were in the ‘Irish Riviera’ section of the Jersey Shore. But not too far from guido areas either. We had our own interesting characters though: one girl who was keeping alive Farah’s Charlie’s Angels hairstyle decades later; another, a blond party girl in her late thirties who wore short shorts and thigh-high boots, etc. Anyhow, one thing that struck me was how old so many people were there. There were single people in their forties with shares in shore houses. Time to move on. They brought to mind that lyric from Springsteen’s “Fourth of July in Asbury Park”:
Incidentally, a year or two ago the NY Times had an article about the same phenomenon of superannuated singles in shore houses, except that the subjects of that article spent their summers on the east end of Long Island.
they’ve all wrecked their looks with boob jobs, fake nails, and bad tans. (I think I just sold David Alexander on the show with that sentence.)
As I’ve noted I can’t explain why I like those types of girls, but they’re generally sexually attractive to me for some reason*. Fake nails, fake tits, some well places tattoos, and a tan just scream “I want to be fucked now”, so I’d argue that they improved their looks over the general sexless/hugbuddy look of the girl next door. Hell, the only reason I ever went on time to my 1 PM community college classes was to watch them walk around campus…
*I’m still shocked at how the guys who use game seem to hate these attributes for some reason…
That’s a good wrap up of the show. I started watching episode 3, but I don’t know if I can go through with it…
OMG, I watched episode 3! This is a serious, guilty pleasure…
Guys,
If you want to read a funny blog about MTV’s Jersey Shore, then check THIS out! That’s some funny stuff…
MarkyMark
For all their irrational self-confidence, I was surprised by the lack of a complete Game. Mikey the Situation’s failed courtship of Sammy Sweetheart was a textbook lesson, if he chose to learn from it.
Mikey and the guys in his mold are given instant value and attraction just by showing up. They are all commendably extroverted and can quickly establish a base comfort level with a girl. Their shore house serves as a convenient instrument for seduction.
What Mikey failed to do with Sammy was qualify her. Value, attraction, and comfort were settled, but Mikey’s dalliance in the hot tub delayed the seduction. When Sammy reassessed, she had the same VAC with Ronnie the big juicebag. I suspect that his staying out of the hot tub that first night was a bit of a qualifier to Sammy, but really, his bigger muscles just wound up out-valuing Mikey’s. Sammy just weighed her options and selected the highest sum of inputs. Her buying temperature was transferred to Ronnie.
The show is a magnificent petri dish. By observing the guys’ shortcomings and strengths, I am learning how to better compete against such characters, as I’m not quite as dialed-in as “the situation” these days.
The girls, of course, are despicable human beings, truly the causation of the original pump-n-dump.
@DA
Are you saying that a huge “I’m an STD carrier” sign written in the forehead is hot?
Only a guy that LOVES being used as an emotional tampoon by women that they want to fuck (and won’t) would say that.
You creep me out.
Pimping my much delayed blog.
http://dissention.wordpress.com/
Are you saying that a huge “I’m an STD carrier” sign written in the forehead is hot?
By default yes. I’ve never understood why guys learn game to waste on sexless looking, plain women. If you’re going to learn game, one should use it on women that have high physical sexual traits, not some boring girl with man hands, B cups, and dresses like a nun.
Only a guy that LOVES being used as an emotional tampoon by women that they want to fuck (and won’t) would say that.
Actually, I prefer to be used as an emotional tampon by the nice sweet girls. I usually get a hug and some food for my services.
“What Mikey failed to do with Sammy was qualify her. ”
No. He is an insecure little bitch, and obnoxiously passive aggressive. He can’t decide whether to continue going for her or hate her. Extremely needy. The chick realized he wasn’t all that cool.
Sammi asked The Situation if Ronnie liked her. It was AFTER that that The Situation got in the hot tub with the three sluts.
As for Sammi, she’s a game playing bitch. After she picked Ronnie, she gave a guy in the club her number. Why? Because Ronnie was dancing with another girl. This is the same girl who says she’s not trashy, yet she: 1) dresses like a whore; 2) says her #1 goal is to take the hottest guido home; 3) says she’s wants to break hearts all over the place, like it’s a game.
Then again, all the women on that show are TRAIN WRECKS of human beings; they’re all trashy! At least Jenni (JWoww) was up front about the fact that she’s a bitch…
The guys of the show were certainly more likable than the guidettes, but even they weren’t above petty jealously. (The Situation being mad about Sammy hooking up with Sam). The aftershow provided some fantastic moments of a desperately insecure Situation trying to hide it with aggressive cockiness while trying to convince America (and himself) that Sammy still has a thing for him.
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